low wash indicator friend or foe

Low Wash Indicator: Friend or Foe?
By Greg Gagliardi

My car needs windshield wiper fluid…

I admit it. I accept it. And I really don t care. But for some reason, I need to be reminded of it every time I start my car, usually as I am halfway down my driveway. I hear a beep and my half-asleep self thinks, “Oh no, I need gas.” The thing is, I don t need gas. Well, maybe a little, but that s not the point of the beep and the point of the lit-up “Low Wash” indicator. That s the real giveaway that I need wiper fluid — the fact that there s a light that tells me that every day. I catch on fast…

I don t like this “Low Wash” indicator for a few reasons, with the first one being that I just don t care about windshield wiper fluid, especially when there are more important things to worry about. There are ants, for example. What will do about the nation s ants?

The second reason — the most important reason — is that I think it s a waste of technology and, ultimately, money. I want to go to a car dealer and ask if I can pay a hundred dollars less for a car if I buy one without this particular feature. “But how will you know when you need wiper fluid?” the dealer will ask me…

“I ll know when I press the wiper fluid button and nothing comes out,” I ll reply.

And how in the heck can you argue with that logic? I want to get every car company to get rid of this feature with the agreement that I will do it manually for half the price. Sure, it ll get dull after a while, but I can sit in people s cars and wait until they press their wiper buttons. If nothing comes out of the wiper, I ll nod and say, “Yep, needs fluid.” It s a lot more personal than the electronic display and I won t beep when I make my announcement… unless they make that request…

I m also bothered by the fact that my car isn t telling me more important things. Tell me if a driving-school car is behind me. Tell me if an old lady is anywhere on the road. Tell me if it s worth reaching through the seat to look for the dollar that I lost. These are just three examples of what cars can tell us. Getting into the fourth example requires background knowledge of thermonuclear physics, and I stopped writing about that years ago…

I don t like that cars give warnings such as “Low Wash” but do not allow the driver to respond to it. That s a bit too demanding for me, and I think it decreases the quality of conversation I can have with the car s interior. If cars allowed responses, just think of how different my situation would be:

Car: You need wiper fluid.

Me: Okay, thanks, car. I will get it at some point.

Car: So, you know that you need wiper fluid?

Me: I do now, thank you.

Car: No problem. In fact, I am going to shut up now.

Me: Good, because it s hard to listen to the radio with all your gibberish.

Car: Haha, good one.

See, just look at the type of relationship that could be formed with this type of car. The wipers will suffer, but the driver will not. I think America acquired Alaska in a similar deal, and we should be able to learn from that. In the meantime, I need to get some black construction paper to cover up my “Low Wash” indicator. And I ll talk to the birds to make sure they understand where their business should take place…

But I digress.

Greg Gagliardi is a teacher and writer. His stream-of-consciousness weekly humor column, “Progressive Revelations,” has been ongoing since 1998. (http://www.ProgressiveRevelations.com)

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